Introducing a New Bible Translation

$ince we haven’t had a new English Bible tran$lation handed to u$ in the la$t few $econd$, it’$ time to come out with a new, fre$h Bible tran$lation, $ince Bible tran$lation$ obviou$ly grow $tale and unintelligible within ju$t a few year$ (not even between generation$, but intra-generationally). The new tran$lation is called the “International Dummy In the Old Te$tament” Bible, or IDIOT Bible, for $hort. Thi$ i$ the Bible for tho$e kids with very $hort attention $pan$ and even $horter vocabulary li$t$. It cut$ out all the long, difficult word$, like “created” and “beginning.” $o, Gene$i$ 1:1 read$ thi$ way in the new tran$lation:

Genesis 1:1 “So, like, this totally awesome God made stuff back in the day.”

The concept (or “idea,” for tho$e with vocabulary challenge$) i$ to dumb down the me$$age of the Bible to it$ bottom line. Take the tran$lation of Gene$i$ 1:1, for example. The meri$m “heaven and earth” (dude, what i$ a meri$m?) wa$ deemed too difficult for today’$ teenager$ to under$tand, and $o the core of “stuff” wa$ retained. Great effort was expended in $eeking to retain the exalted pro$e of the pa$$age. The way that “totally awe$ome” roll$ off the tongue i$ ju$t one example of thi$ exalted pro$e. The tran$lator$ gave $ome thought to putting the entire Bible in modern texting language, but the major ob$tacle to thi$ tran$lation philo$ophy i$ that the texting language change$ too rapidly for the older generation to u$e long enough to get an actual $entence tran$lated. Too much arthriti$ in the thumb$, no doubt.

$o, in introducing thi$ new tran$lation to the public, it i$ important to note the niche, niche, niche, niche, niche, niche, niche audience at which the tran$lation i$ directed. Why publi$h new tran$lation$ for people in the world who don’t have a Bible, when there i$ a perfect, radically awe$ome new niche in the Engli$h world to manipulate serve? The world may never know what tho$e motivation$ are.


  1. September 5, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Will the IDIOT Bible come out in a $tudy Bible edition soon? I’m too lazy to study the word myself, so I’d rather just read the notes at the bottom of the page. That way, I can get right to the good “personal application” stuff instead of getting bogged down in the tedium of reading!

    I personal reference edition would be nice also (with a variety of cover option$!), of course!

  2. Ackbach said,

    September 5, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Hey bro! Are you trying to compete with the Babylon Bee or $omething? I’m not $ure you’re going to $ucceed.

  3. johntjeffery said,

    September 5, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Andrew Suttles: I ju$t received a notice that the IDIOT Bible $tudy Bible edition will in fact be publi$hed in the very near future. Be advi$ed: you will not be reading the note$ at the bottom of the page in thi$ edition. The note$ will be on the top of the page, and the text will be footnoted. There will be far le$$ danger that way of anyone getting diverted into the textual “Bog of De$pond.”

  4. September 5, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Pastor Jeffery –

    I’m sold! Well almost… I need to look at YouTube to see which pop Evangelical mega-Pastors are endorsing it on the promo video. I’m really hoping there’s an endorsement by Joyce Meyer in there!!! I really can’t wait to “unlock the riches of God’s Word” in a way that is applicable to my personal lifestyle and wants!

    It would be $uper awesome if an accompanying $mall group $tudy booklet will be relea$ed that would allow me to $tudy these principle$ for victorious living with my life group.

  5. Reed Here said,

    September 5, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    My wife approves of this message.

  6. Paul Wichert said,

    September 5, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    I blame EP and The Message for beginning (and perpetuating) the dumbed-down-pop-vernacular trend (Klinean term). Publishers need to be called out on this — thank you.



  7. Frank Aderholdt said,

    September 6, 2016 at 11:01 pm

    If it comes out in an Allan edition bound in goatskin, I’m all in.

  8. Kevin said,

    September 14, 2016 at 8:55 am

    I’m available to sign all the new bibles for a small fee. Lol

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