Introducing a New Bible Translation

$ince we haven’t had a new English Bible tran$lation handed to u$ in the la$t few $econd$, it’$ time to come out with a new, fre$h Bible tran$lation, $ince Bible tran$lation$ obviou$ly grow $tale and unintelligible within ju$t a few year$ (not even between generation$, but intra-generationally). The new tran$lation is called the “International Dummy In the Old Te$tament” Bible, or IDIOT Bible, for $hort. Thi$ i$ the Bible for tho$e kids with very $hort attention $pan$ and even $horter vocabulary li$t$. It cut$ out all the long, difficult word$, like “created” and “beginning.” $o, Gene$i$ 1:1 read$ thi$ way in the new tran$lation:

Genesis 1:1 “So, like, this totally awesome God made stuff back in the day.”

The concept (or “idea,” for tho$e with vocabulary challenge$) i$ to dumb down the me$$age of the Bible to it$ bottom line. Take the tran$lation of Gene$i$ 1:1, for example. The meri$m “heaven and earth” (dude, what i$ a meri$m?) wa$ deemed too difficult for today’$ teenager$ to under$tand, and $o the core of “stuff” wa$ retained. Great effort was expended in $eeking to retain the exalted pro$e of the pa$$age. The way that “totally awe$ome” roll$ off the tongue i$ ju$t one example of thi$ exalted pro$e. The tran$lator$ gave $ome thought to putting the entire Bible in modern texting language, but the major ob$tacle to thi$ tran$lation philo$ophy i$ that the texting language change$ too rapidly for the older generation to u$e long enough to get an actual $entence tran$lated. Too much arthriti$ in the thumb$, no doubt.

$o, in introducing thi$ new tran$lation to the public, it i$ important to note the niche, niche, niche, niche, niche, niche, niche audience at which the tran$lation i$ directed. Why publi$h new tran$lation$ for people in the world who don’t have a Bible, when there i$ a perfect, radically awe$ome new niche in the Engli$h world to manipulate serve? The world may never know what tho$e motivation$ are.


  1. September 5, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Will the IDIOT Bible come out in a $tudy Bible edition soon? I’m too lazy to study the word myself, so I’d rather just read the notes at the bottom of the page. That way, I can get right to the good “personal application” stuff instead of getting bogged down in the tedium of reading!

    I personal reference edition would be nice also (with a variety of cover option$!), of course!

  2. Ackbach said,

    September 5, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Hey bro! Are you trying to compete with the Babylon Bee or $omething? I’m not $ure you’re going to $ucceed.

  3. johntjeffery said,

    September 5, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Andrew Suttles: I ju$t received a notice that the IDIOT Bible $tudy Bible edition will in fact be publi$hed in the very near future. Be advi$ed: you will not be reading the note$ at the bottom of the page in thi$ edition. The note$ will be on the top of the page, and the text will be footnoted. There will be far le$$ danger that way of anyone getting diverted into the textual “Bog of De$pond.”

  4. September 5, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Pastor Jeffery –

    I’m sold! Well almost… I need to look at YouTube to see which pop Evangelical mega-Pastors are endorsing it on the promo video. I’m really hoping there’s an endorsement by Joyce Meyer in there!!! I really can’t wait to “unlock the riches of God’s Word” in a way that is applicable to my personal lifestyle and wants!

    It would be $uper awesome if an accompanying $mall group $tudy booklet will be relea$ed that would allow me to $tudy these principle$ for victorious living with my life group.

  5. Reed Here said,

    September 5, 2016 at 5:48 pm

    My wife approves of this message.

  6. Paul Wichert said,

    September 5, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    I blame EP and The Message for beginning (and perpetuating) the dumbed-down-pop-vernacular trend (Klinean term). Publishers need to be called out on this — thank you.



  7. Frank Aderholdt said,

    September 6, 2016 at 11:01 pm

    If it comes out in an Allan edition bound in goatskin, I’m all in.

  8. Kevin said,

    September 14, 2016 at 8:55 am

    I’m available to sign all the new bibles for a small fee. Lol

  9. roberty bob said,

    September 28, 2016 at 10:50 am

    This new translation fails to make a connection with its presumed readers in the very first verse, Genesis 1:1 . . . “THIS totally awesome God. . . . If the translators want to really connect, then they ought to begin by saying, “Way back when, in the beginning, the one and only God, OUR totally awesome God . . . .!

    I hear pastors and worship leaders continually referring to God as “THIS God”, as though God is an object to be contemplated, rather than as “OUR God,” with whom we are bound to relate either as repentant sinners or as obstinate rebels.

    THIS God is OUT THERE.

  10. rfwhite said,

    October 3, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    So, Green Baggin$, the thing that $eem$ to have you exerci$ed i$ the profit motive and the niche targeting of the$e tran$lation$.

    Remove those two issues or just the first.

    Still have a problem?

  11. James Horgan said,

    October 15, 2016 at 6:30 am

    Wi££ there be a British Eng£ish version?

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