A Toast

Hello, world. I’m back to the blog. This post is the toast I made for my brother Adrian’s wedding, which took place on Saturday, September 22, which, by the way, is Bilbo Baggins’s birthday (and Frodo’s). That is a notable fact for someone whose blog has “Baggins” in the title. This is supposed to be mostly light-hearted and funny. Whether you find it so is entirely up to you.  

My name is Mr. Emma. My wife’s name is Mrs. Emma. That’s Mr. and Mrs. Successful Emma Wodehouse to you. Yes, that’s right. I am taking full credit for these two wonderful people getting hitched.

It’s customary at these kinds of roasts (I means toasts) to put the groom on a spit and sear him to a nut-brown discomfort (which is what Ambrose Bierce would call “exhorting”). To do this with Adrian would be relatively easy, especially in the realm of fashion. But, I’m not going to do that…….Except to mention this one thing: although Adrian feels more affinity to Darcy than to any of the other characters in Pride and Prejudice, I am going to make the case that he is more like Mr. Bennet than he thinks he is. (put on turquoise sweatpants, black t-shirt, and red and black plaid flannel shirt with shirt-sleeves rolled up and worn untucked with many pens and pencils in the shirt pocket). Mr. Bennet dislikes descriptions of finery. “No lace, I beg of you, Mrs. Bennet.” Well, I think Adrian has taken the lack of lace to a whole new level. What do you think? (parades as in a fashion show). Of course, Susan may have something to say if Adrian were to continue his college fashions into the marriage state.

Speaking of the contrast between before marriage and after marriage, it is important here to mention that grooms usually think to themselves, “She’ll never change.” Whereas she’s usually looking in her mind’s eye at herself, the altar in the sanctuary, and the groom, and thinks to herself, “I’ll alta(e)r him.” Of course, both are woefully, erroneously, wrongfully, indubitably, insensibly, and ridiculously misinformed. He will never change, except for the change from before being married to after being married. Once he’s married, that’s it. However, with regard to the bride, with a good dose of what John Calvin would call “good luck,” she’ll grow even more beautiful, not less.

Here are some examples of how Adrian will change instantaneously. Instead of dressing himself in rather disastrous combinations that are of atomic proportions, if he’s wise, he’ll simply let Susan choose with what he will be adorned. Instead of eating three bags of M and M’s per day, he will masticate something a tad more healthy, such as Godiva chocolates. Instead of looking at all his nephews and nieces and wishing they were his own children, he will be busy manufacturing his own nursery.

It is also customary at toasts to include only playful satire, and nothing of substance. Marriage is undoubtedly a serious venture, however, and so some more serious thoughts are appropriate. Being Adrian’s older brother by some thirteen whole minutes (which in terms of an insect’s life is old enough to be Adrian’s grandfather), I do feel qualified to make some serious comments, specifically about Adrian’s good qualities, especially those qualities that I have appreciated over the years, being Adrian’s confidante, and knowing practically everything there is to know about him. Adrian is a very truthful person. He is very conscientious about details. And that last statement is about as true as saying that water is powerfully wet stuff, ain’t it? Adrian, of course, is not only capable of losing the forest for the trees, but is also capable of losing the tree because of the ant crawling around in the bark. So we hope that Susan takes it upon herself to balance Adrian in this respect: that she sees the big picture. Adrian is very caring, socially outgoing, and anti-cultural where such culture is unbiblical. Adrian will never be swayed by culture into doing something wrong. So, Susan, while we both know that Adrian is getting the better of this deal, it is not quite so imbalanced as it would be in many marriages. And that is not saying that you are any less worthy. Rather, it is saying that you are getting what will be a very good husband….by God’s grace, of course.

So, we have no doubt of Adrian and his Rapunzel doing well together. They are both so agreeable that nothing ever need be resolved on (all things being resolved already), so productive that the Republican party will need a separate trip just to lobby their state (I mean family), and so frugal that they will never exceed their income. And so, I give you a toast: the Prince and his Rapunzel!


  1. Morgan Farmer said,

    September 28, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    PG Wodehouse himself could not have done better!

  2. greenbaggins said,

    September 28, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Thanks for the enormous compliment, as I am nowhere near Wodehouse, whom I regard as the pinnacle of humor writing.

  3. tim prussic said,

    September 28, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Welcome back! We’ve missed you.

  4. September 28, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    Hehe. Quite funny, even on a second reading/hearing. Ben felt the need to post his roast of *me* online as well; weren’t 50 people quite a large enough audience, I wonder? ;-)

    I was actually thinking of your roast earlier this morning, when I was sorting through the bedroom closet and came across sweatpants of sort of an odd blue-green color. . . 3 pairs of them!!!

  5. Sam Steinmann said,

    October 1, 2007 at 4:47 pm

    Well, I don’t knwo the people involved–but I have a little sense of them from this, so good job.

    (Also, it’s less cringe-inducing than Papa’s toast at my brother’s wedding; that’s always a virtue. [The one that started “I’ve known [brother] for 21 years and [wife] for 18, and if this marriage is happy it will be a miracle]”)

  6. Anna Hight said,

    October 9, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Oh Lane… it is a feat to make me laugh hard enough to cry, but to do it more than once, is a rare skill indeed. Particularly from the same bit of writing. Oh dear… I only wish I could write half that well!

    Susan: It is good to know he wasn’t wearing the same pair three days in a row, at least, but did you find their mauve counterparts as well? Far far worse than Lane’s effort with the black polo (which was quite sufficient for the purpose) was the teal/mauve sweat suit travesty, generally accompanied by one of the trusty flannels, and velcro sneakers, of course. I sincerely hope he has already reformed to the point where your (presumably gracious) efforts at forcing some sense of decency into his clothing will be not only well-received, but even appreciated.

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